Fast, Cheap, or Effective: When It Comes to Healing, You Can’t Have All Three

Have you ever really wanted to work with someone — a coach, a therapist, a guide — and then flinched at the price?

Maybe you even said it out loud (or thought it silently): “I’d love to work with you… but I just can’t afford it.”

And I get it — therapy or coaching can feel like a big investment. But here’s something I’ve been reflecting on for years, both as a practitioner and a human being who’s done a fair amount of my own healing: we’ve been sold this shiny, modern illusion that transformation should be fast, affordable, and life-changing all at once. And when we can’t access that perfect combo — or worse, when we try to — we end up stuck, spiraling, or more disheartened than when we started.

There’s a simple truth that most people don’t want to hear — probably because it’s wildly inconvenient in a world of instant gratification, self-help quick fixes, and mental health reels that promise to “change your life in 30 seconds”: you can have healing that’s fast, or cheap, or truly effective — but never all three.

It’s a bit like that classic triangle in business or design: pick two, and you’ll always compromise the third. Want it fast and cheap? It won’t be deep. Want it cheap and effective? Get ready to wait. Want it fast and effective? You’re going to have to invest.

And this isn’t about blaming anyone for wanting access — I understand the cost of living, the stress of waiting lists, the burnout that makes the idea of even starting something feel overwhelming. But the cost of pretending that healing should be quick, easy, and inexpensive is that many people stay stuck for years — spinning through surface-level work, mismatched therapists, or DIY spirals that leave them thinking they are the problem. They’re not. The problem is the myth we’ve built around what healing “should” look like - and unfortunately the NHS has a lot to do with this BS idea - but more on this one later.

The Triangle Explained: What Gets Lost When We Prioritise Speed, Cost, or Depth

There’s a reason the “pick two” triangle exists — it applies to more than just business or design.

When it comes to healing, you’re always navigating a tension between time, money, and effectiveness.

Let’s have a look at how each of these combinations would play out in real life — because the triangle doesn’t just exist in theory, it shows up in your relationships, your emotional patterns, and your choices every day.

If you go for fast and cheap, you might get a few helpful insights — a book that hits close to home, a few TikTok therapists that make you feel seen, maybe even a one-off session with someone “just to talk it out.” It can feel like something is shifting. But the truth is, without depth, containment, and tailored support, those sparks rarely turn into sustainable change. If we applied this to a relationship that’s on the rocks — emotionally disconnected, trust fraying at the edges — there’s a good chance you’d end up doing more harm than good. Those feel-good “reconnection” hacks you found in a Cosmo article or a late-night scroll might help you say the right thing once… but if you haven’t unpacked the real hurt, the resentment, the unmet needs… all you’re doing is putting a plaster on a life-threatening wound. And when the bleeding starts again, you’ll blame yourself for not “trying hard enough.”

Now, if you choose cheap and effective, things can change — but they might not change fast enough. This is where people start therapy with someone who’s a great fit, but they can only afford a session every other week, or they’re relying on underfunded systems that stretch progress over months. You’re doing the work, sure. But by the time you finally reach the part of the process where things get real — where your defences start to drop, and you can look your patterns in the eye — the relationship you came to heal might already be over. Sometimes the relationship crumbles while you’re still learning how to name your needs. You’ve waited too long for too little, and the emotional window has closed.

Additionally, some colleagues would crucify me for saying this, but there are a lot of professionals whose whole business model is about 'retention' - and honestly, this is bad in our field. We're not selling coffee subscription - this is people's lives and if someone is making movement but slowly and feel stuck with a professional long term, this is harmful and unethical.

Then there’s fast and effective — which, let’s be honest, requires an investment. This is the deep dive, the intensive support, the kind of work that cuts through the noise and gets to the heart of things. Whether it’s unpacking why sex disappeared from your relationship, understanding why you keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners, or learning how to truly be seen without shutting down — this is where change becomes embodied. Not theoretical, not future-tense, but real. It doesn’t mean it’s easy. It doesn’t mean you won’t be cracked open along the way. But it’s the kind of support that moves you — quickly, safely, and with clarity. And while the financial cost might feel high up front, what it saves you in heartache, years of circling, or repeat patterns… is something most people only understand once they’ve lived through both sides.

Skilled professionals who operate in this space — the fast and effective kind — charge what they do not because they’re greedy, but because they know how to collapse timelines. What many therapists or coaches might need 3 to 5 years to help you uncover and shift, they’ll often get to within 1 or 2. These practitioners aren’t just experienced — they’re strategic, emotionally attuned, and highly intentional.

And they’re often selective, choosing to work only with clients they believe they can genuinely support — because their entire model depends on outcomes and reputation. They don’t just hold space; they move people. Fast. Especially when time is of the essence. For example, most couples wait an average of seven years before seeking help — and by then, the rot has often set in. These professionals know how to get in before the emotional decay turns irreversible, and they’re not in the business of letting people drown slowly.

They work to turn the tide, quickly and deeply — and that, unsurprisingly, doesn’t come financially cheap in terms of sessions' cost, but if you look at the cost of divorce, affairs, emotional hurt and more - it pans out cheap in comparison.

Which ''Expensive'' Do You Choose?

So really, it’s not about whether therapy is “expensive” — it’s about which kind of expensive you’re willing to deal with: the kind that drains your bank account in the short term or the kind that quietly robs you of clarity, peace, and possibility over years.

The Illusion of “Brief but Transformational” Therapy

There’s something incredibly seductive about the promise of quick, structured therapy — six to eight sessions, problem solved, onto the next.

That’s exactly what many NHS-funded approaches like IAPT or CBT offer: a tidy, time-limited intervention with measurable goals. And while I understand the intention — to make therapy more accessible, to streamline support — the reality is that it often leaves people feeling more broken than before they started. It’s the equivalent of showing up with a complex emotional wound and being handed a cognitive worksheet and a countdown clock.

CBT, in particular, focuses on thoughts and behaviours — what you think, what you do, how you might adjust those patterns to feel a bit better. But it doesn’t go underneath. It rarely, if ever, touches the messy, painful, contradictory layers of why those thoughts and behaviours exist in the first place.

You might know that staying in bed all day is fuelling your depression — but knowing that doesn’t give you the energy, safety, or motivation to get up. You might be able to challenge a negative thought in your journal — but that won’t heal the trauma that made you believe you were worthless to begin with. These approaches often stop at the surface, giving people a sense of awareness, but not transformation. It’s like being told you’re in a burning house and handed a map of the exit — but not the keys to open the door.

And so many of the clients who eventually come to me have already been through that cycle. They’ve waited on a list for months or even years. They finally get their shot at “help” — and it’s a protocol. A script. A standardised offering that doesn’t see them. They come out the other side feeling like they’ve failed therapy, rather than recognising that the therapy failed them. Worse still, they start to believe that maybe they’re just “too damaged” or “too complex” to be helped. When in fact, what they needed all along was space to go deeper, safer — with someone who doesn’t just want to reduce their symptoms, but actually understands what it takes to rebuild a person’s inner world.

The Real Cost of The NHS and/or Mismatched Support

One of the most quietly devastating experiences a person can have in therapy is sitting across from someone who just doesn’t feel like a safe match — and trying to open up anyway. You know something’s off, but you don’t want to seem difficult. You try to adapt, explain yourself better, hold back the more sensitive stuff… and eventually, you either shrink into the version of yourself that’s easiest to manage, or you walk away entirely, telling yourself that therapy just “isn’t for you.” And that’s not healing — that’s emotional self-abandonment in a room that’s supposed to be holding space for you to be fully, truthfully you.

The relationship between the professional and client is one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes — we’ve known this for decades. It’s not a bonus feature. It is the therapy. But in many large systems, including the NHS, this most basic principle is completely overlooked. You’re simply assigned to the next available practitioner. No real consideration for personality match, lived experience, identity, or even the specific themes you’re seeking support for. It’s an assembly line model applied to something deeply human. And the harm it causes isn’t always loud — it’s the slow erosion of trust, of hope, of motivation to try again.

What’s even more frustrating is that these same systems proudly promote “evidence-based” practice — while completely ignoring the most consistent piece of evidence we have: that people heal in connection, not through protocols alone. That safety, attunement, and relational fit aren’t nice-to-haves — they are central to whether or not a person can actually do the vulnerable work of healing. You can’t measure that in six-week outcome sheets or CBT homework compliance. And when this core truth is brushed aside, it’s not just disappointing — it’s disorienting and, at times, retraumatising.

What Real Healing Actually Requires?

Real healing doesn’t happen on a schedule someone else set for you. It doesn’t fit neatly into a six-week protocol or follow a pre-written script. It unfolds in its own time — in relationship, in safety, in trust. At the heart of meaningful therapeutic work is the relationship itself: not just the theory your therapist uses, but how they meet you — how they listen, hold you, challenge you, and witness the parts of you that maybe no one else has ever seen with compassion.

Healing requires time — not just the number of sessions, but the time it takes to arrive in the space emotionally. To let your guard down, to trust, to stop performing the “I’m fine” version of yourself. And it requires a match — a professional who doesn’t just look good on paper but feels right in the room. Someone who can hold the weight of your experience without flinching, someone who doesn’t make you feel too much, too messy, or too difficult to help.

And then there’s the depth. Surface-level shifts might bring temporary relief, but deep transformation comes when we work on the full picture — not just thoughts and behaviours, but emotion, embodiment, story, and meaning. You can’t heal in fragments. You need a space where all of you is allowed to show up: the confused parts, the angry parts, the hopeful parts that are scared to hope again. That kind of work can’t be rushed with a protocol, and it can’t be done while spiralling in isolation or trying to force yourself into clarity you’re not ready for.

Timing in working with clients is so crucial. There’s a reason I sometimes need to tell clients not to do more research or reflection after a session — sometimes the most important integration happens in the pause, not in the push. And oftentimes, more work needs to be done in session before a person is truly ready to understand, assimilate, and — most importantly — integrate the growth. What might seem like a “breakthrough moment” to the client is often the result of weeks or months of groundwork that had to be laid carefully, relationally, and with deep attunement.

I had a client who after working together for a year (and achieving his wildest dream - to embrace his Kinky nature, open up to his long-term partner of 20 years and to begin living the kinky lifestyle with her) kept saying in our final sessions: ''I can't recognise myself from 1 year ago and I feel like my life changed in a moment!''

It didn't. It took a year. We worked on his self-acceptance and untangled childhood challenges of sex negativity and stigmatisation for months before he was embracing himself, once he did and he couldn't imagine living in secret anymore it took another few months to help him navigage the idea of 'coming out' and finally we had to prepare him for the worst-case scenarios of relationship break-down as well as go through conversation structures and scripts before he felt prepared and safe enough to come out to his partner. It took a year of weekly sessions and his dedication to homework and using every bit of support I had for him. But upon reflection at the end of that year - he felt like it had all changed like magic - in a moment.

In my experience, one of the most difficult — and most vital — skills to develop as a therapist or coach is the ability to guide someone through their own unique timeline. To challenge them, not just because it’s time to “do the thing,” but because it’s the right moment — that the ground is steady enough to push off from, or that the window for transformation is finally open. It’s not a formula. It’s not a checklist. It’s an art — knowing when to slow someone down gently, when to walk beside them with presence, and when to push — just enough — so they reach the next level of their healing without tipping into overwhelm or resistance.

For clients it is their willingness that is the most important ingredient — and yes, showing up and being open is essential. On the other hand, so much of the success of any deep work rests in the hands of the professional they’re working with.

The fast and effective professionals are the ones who’ve mastered this art. They don’t just know what to do — they know when and how to do it. That’s what makes their work potent, and that’s why their results come faster — not because they rush, but because they listen closely to the rhythm beneath the story, and they know exactly when to move.

And yes, this kind of healing requires investment — not just financially, but emotionally and energetically. It means committing to the process even when it’s uncomfortable. Showing up when you feel like hiding. Being honest even when it feels risky. And choosing, again and again, to do the work because you’re worth the depth it takes to truly heal.

Reframing “Cost” in Therapy

We’re used to measuring cost in money, but rarely in emotional bandwidth, wasted time, or missed opportunities. It's rare that people consider the cost of a broken relationship, or another 5 years living life without intimacy and pleasure. Think about how many years people spend doubting themselves, tolerating unfulfilling relationships, over-functioning at work, numbing out in survival mode.

Think about the emotional energy it takes to carry unresolved pain every day. Or the toll it takes on your health, your relationships, your self-worth. Now ask yourself — what’s that costing you?

Good therapy and coaching isn’t just an expense — it’s an investment. Not in someone else’s pocket, but in your own capacity to move forward. To live more fully. To make different choices. It’s a decision to stop dragging your past behind you like a weight and start creating something different.

And no, not every practitioner is the right fit or worth their fee — I’m not here to pretend otherwise. I know for a fact, I've had to repair damage to relationships to clients of mine, done by their previous professionals who charge more than me. And I'm in enough therapists and coaches forums that I've seen the unhinged advice and support some of them think is ''good work'' - especially when it comes to Open Relationships and Kink. Don't get me started on ''Kink and Poly Friendly therapists and coaches'' who would take clients they have no knowledge or skills to work with...

Leah - shake it off!

Right!

Let's get back on topic! The key is that when you find someone who gets you, who can actually walk with you toward the life you want to build, the return on that investment isn’t just emotional — it’s practical, relational, and deeply personal.

So instead of asking, “Can I afford this?” — try asking, “What will it cost me not to do this?” And then get really honest with yourself about the kind of support, growth, and results you actually want — and deserve.

Final Reflections

If healing mattered to us as much as a car or a holiday, would we still be asking why it costs what it does? Most people wouldn’t think twice about upgrading to the new iPhone, financing a new vehicle or splashing out on a much-needed getaway — even knowing all three are temporary. And yet, when it comes to something as life-altering and enduring as emotional healing, we hesitate, negotiate, or convince ourselves it’s just not the right time.

But healing isn’t a luxury. It’s the foundation for how we show up in every part of our lives — in love, in work, in parenting, in pleasure, in peace. And yet we treat it like an optional upgrade. The truth is, doing this work now might be the very thing that changes everything later. Not overnight. Not instantly. But deeply. Sustainably.

So ask yourself honestly — when you look at the way you’ve approached your healing so far, are you choosing the path of the Zombie, dragging it out long past its expiry date? The Poltergeist, haunted by the things left unfinished? Or are you brave enough to choose the Phoenix — the path where something old dies with dignity so that something new can rise in its place?

If something in this resonates and you’re wondering whether I might be the right professional to walk this path with you — I invite you to reach out. Let’s have a discovery call. No pressure, no pitch — just a conversation to see if the fit is right, and if now might finally be the time to choose yourself.

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